Monday, September 28, 2015

Maybe this could help someone else

So I have been unsure about this but have felt that just maybe this could be of help to other, maybe someone, one of my friends wouldnt feel so alone, or maybe this could be encouragement, maybe, maybe not but here goes. Not many of you know that this summer has been a whirl wind for me, for us. I have wanted children for years but timing never really seemed right, but some how this summer it felt right so we gave it a go. Sure enough with in just a week or so's time I was pregnant. ( it felt like for once in our life something was going to come easy) I was so excited I cried and laughed at the same time when I saw those two pink lines on each test, and I was so excited and told my husband that evening of the good news. I was about 5 1/2 weeks along I had all the beautiful signs of pregnancy, smells bugged me or I loved the new ones, food made me sick or I craved it. I did have some pain some cramping but was told it was normal also that it was normal to have spotting. So I carried on, planning for our baby, even got a crib for free so how could you say no. I felt such excitement, such joy that our life was moving forward, we were going to be our own little family. Just when I was over 7 weeks we decided to tell family and only a couple friends, because we were both filled with love and joy and wanted to share that. We didnt have a Dr appointment yet but had one scheduled that week. Before my appointment I had, had bad pain and more spotting, I called the Dr office that I was going to be going to and one of the girls there didnt want to pass me to a nurse because I had yet to even get in. She had asked me what my problem was as I had called when I had spotting earlier, but this time it was worse and I felt that something was wrong. She proceeded to barely acknowledge me and then made me feel that I was being an over dramatic first time prego, that what I was experiencing was normal. Me who has never been pregnant before trusted the office. When we finally had our appointment they did blood work and a urine test, The Nurse practitioner came back in ( as the Dr was still to booked to see us until Sept 29th) She congratulated us on being pregnant and scheduled us for an ultrasound that same week but with them as the Dr I wanted to see had no openings. We had the appointment first thing in the morning, the excitement keep me from sleeping much the night before and when they called us in, I could hardly contain myself. The ultrasound tech came in and proceeded, waiting there to hear the little swoosh for the heartbeat, but only the loudest silence was all that filled the room, I never knew silence could be so loud. The Tech searched for any movement and moved the wand all over in me trying to find a heartbeat. Before I could ask what was going on, the tech began to apologize and told us there was no heartbeat. I couldnt stop myself from crying, at that moment I felt sick and wanted to scream no, no and wanted to hold our baby. My amazing husband held me and started to ask could it be wrong and started to ask other questions, the tech went to call my Dr but they couldnt get me in for a week or so as my appoint was still almost 2 months out. She then said she would get the Dr that they had there to come talk with us. I stopped my crying and proceeded to dress when she left the room, me and my husband began to talk about how when I was a baby they couldnt find my heartbeat and maybe this was something like that. When the Dr came in he brought such peace and calmness to our little shattered world. He began to explain to us that the Baby was measuring 7 weeks 6 days and I was 10 weeks and 2 days along and no heartbeat and stopped growth, that there really wasnt much of a chance of them being wrong. He began to explain chromosomes to us and that he and his wife had the same thing happen to them,that books say about 35% of women go through this but they expect that number to really be around 60% because 35% is just what is reported. He took time with us answered all our question, said he was there to help us feel better and didnt rush us even though he had a waiting room full of people and wasnt even our Dr. He then began to tell me what I could expect in the next week or two ( even though we scheduled an other ultrasound for a week from that day because we were hopeful ) He began to tell me the next steps. ( A lot of Drs do a D&C, you're put under, they open your cervix, take the baby out and scrap your uterus, many women need to have the scrapping part done twice and there's risk with being put under, and them damaging the uterus. By doing this many women feel robbed, they feel their baby was stolen, or some face questions what if a miracle could have happened and I didnt allow it to. A lot of women choose this option as it is quick and almost painless physically. But your body doesnt get the chance to produce the natural hormones you need emotionally, by the time your D&C you're body is playing catch up if it even gets to produce them at all.) They contacted my Dr I was going to see letting him know what was going on, and he still couldn't get me in for 1 to 2 weeks. Feeling hopeless at that and annoyed and a bit emotional, I asked if I could continue to see this Dr, he smiled and agreed, He said to let me do this naturally and that they will see me again, that if I have any problems to contact his nurse, but that regardless he would see me again in a week and do another ultrasound. My husband and I talked and got lunch, I wanted to delay telling everyone who was excited as we all joked about it being twins the night before. That week was long and by that Saturday I started having pain and I just wanted to think it was all in my head, that maybe I was feeling this way because I was told I would. Family was sad but hopeful like we were. That Tuesday my 11 week day. I was having the worst pain of my life hitting me about every hour or so. ( I've had kidney stones at home and these were worse) I text my husband scared to be alone, afraid of the unknown, he was so sweet and willing to leave to come home. As he had asked me every day if I needed him to stay home. I replied no just talk to me. By that evening when he got home I was surrounding myself with heat pads and in my heart I knew this was it, this was going to happen, but I also knew this wasnt and isnt the end of our baby. At 3am it happened, all that the Dr said would pass, passed. Thank goodness for Jake, it was the most, worst, intense pain I've ever experienced. 3 hours later when everything slowed down I got into bed and knew I was no longer pregnant. All that wasn't as hard as dealing with everything that came after. People feel awkward, sorry, some people even tried to make me feel guilty for feeling at peace. I know it doesnt say anywhere in the scriptures of when the body gets a soul, but it does say that every soul will get a body. Our babys body wasnt formed all the way or right, it was wrong so there for my answers were I will get to have that baby. My faith in God is unshaken while I have a hard time dealing with his timing it doesn't mean I dont have faith in it. ( I just dont like waiting longer) This awful experience that tear apart some, has been beautifully bitter, for me and my husband share our belief and love. (doesnt mean it's easy and we dont hurt) We have been there for each other, we talked and talk about our baby and how we feel. It's only been 3 weeks but it's brought me closer to my husband , to myself and to our God. Also has shown me who is really there for me, what family and friends really care for me for us. A couple of friends texts a few times a week, while some family call, and text just to check up, while others have not changed and ask almost demand help that I can not physically give at the moments. Healing physically is long when you do this naturally and with a few minor complications it drags it out more, while that is said though I'm glad I did it this way. By allowing my body to do it on it's own I was able to get the hormones I need emotionally and physically. Also it leaves us with no questions about our baby being stolen, taken or if something could have been done. While yes it hurts is an understatement, and pads suck and bleeding for a few weeks is the pits, my emotional state couldnt be any better considering, my spiritual state is grounded and my relationship with my husband is better then before and our support for each other is growing. Now I know there are people out there who think you shouldnt talk about miscarriages ( we dont bring it up as topic of conversation because we dont want people to feel bad for us) , some people believe it's bad luck, but I say we women need to be there for each other. Help each other out because as good as I feel I do come across a few moments where I cry a little and want my baby, so I know there are others out there hurting more. I've seen it, where women are depressed for months and become bitter. Also I feel it should be talked about, to help those who ask about the baby so they dont feel so awkward . For me thats the hardest because we dont want anyone feeling bad for us, we dont feel sad or bad, disappointed yes. Granite I sure there are a few women who need that attention and people to feel bad for them. But for me for us it wasnt even a choice, even if you're not religious why would you want to feel miserable? If you believe that you lost that baby for good if thats how you feel, take some time to allow yourself to feel that then, but please dont forget to live, if not for you for your baby. Life is beautiful even at it's worst. Lets stand together and be there for each other. I hope that if any of my friends have or are going through this that they dont feel alone, that they know they can reach out to me, to other women. The more I have told my friends about what happened the more people I know who have been through this, either friends or friends of a friends, and I wish I knew so I could have been there for them. Some felt so alone for months while others felt ashamed like they did something wrong. So I hope my experience can help someone, maybe even a friend.

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